Dismantling

Quite honestly, its been a very rough couple weeks. I can only describe what has been going on as a total dismantling – physically, spiritually, financially, professionally. This mash-up of amazing recent accolades and exposure contrasted by private struggles have brought into question just about everything.

It all came to a head on Saturday, when I went over my handlebars at about 25mph outside Ojai – about 70 miles into what was meant to be a 130 mile ride. I lost consciousness and due to some amnesia I’m still at a loss as to what exactly happened. I came to with the help of some very nice women cyclists who gave me a ride to the local ER. I had a serious concussion and my face took the brunt of the impact, particularly my mouth, which required many stitches on the inside of my lower lip.

In truth, I was very lucky. I could have broken my neck, my collarbone, any number of bones. And I will be fine after a week or 2 of convalescing.

But what is the takeaway?

On the one hand, it was just an accident. If you ride alot, its just going to happen. Period. But on the other hand, I believe its significant that my first thought was “when can I get back on my bike” as opposed to “I need to stop riding”. It was a pinnacle event in this dismantling process, where everything I thought I knew about how to live my life is being called into question, cast aside and demanding a harder look. Although its trite to say such a “near death” experience makes one take stock of their life and what is important, its also true. And in my case, I was already doing so when this occurred. The crash only served to crystallize my conviction.

And what is that conviction? That I need to get honest about who I am, what I want out of this short life and have the courage to let go of the things that don’t serve me and step into what I am coming to believe is my true calling.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my clients and I know I am a very good lawyer. But life is short and I really believe that I have a better way to be of service to others. A unique means to help others in more profound ways than just assisting them with their business transactions. And let’s face it — I’m not being profiled on CNN for being a lawyer. But the truth is that taking that step into the unknown from the familiar (even when the familiar is painful) can be very difficult. Its a scary thing. But the crash seems to have crystallized my conviction to act. To take the leap and step into that unknown.

Let’s just say its going to be a very interesting next couple of weeks.